● Book notes · Night 4 · 17 Oct 2026

Where the centre of the world is.

The fourth night of The Courage to Be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga. Community feeling, why approval-seekers are self-centred, why not to praise or scold, and where your worth comes from. Alfred Adler's answer, on one page.

Swap the questionNot "what will they give me?" but "what can I give?"
Lesson 1 · The goal

Community feeling

Separating tasks is where relationships start. The goal is to see others as comrades and feel you belong. Adler's community is huge: family, work, society, all people, even the universe.

→ From self-interest to social interest
Lesson 2 · The trap

Approval-seekers are self-centred

People who worry about how others see them look shy. But their attention is all on "me". They treat the world as there to notice and serve them.

→ Look outward, not inward
Lesson 3 · Your place

You are part, not centre

You are part of the world, not its centre. Belonging is not handed to you. You earn your place by taking part and giving to the group.

→ Ask what you can give
Lesson 4 · Equal

Don't praise. Don't scold.

Praise and scolding both judge from above. They make relationships vertical. Treat people side by side: equal but different. Encourage instead.

→ Say thank you, not well done
Lesson 5 · Worth

Worth comes from contribution

You feel worth when you feel useful to someone. And people have worth just by existing: a newborn, a sick parent. No achievement needed.

→ Thank people for being there

Vertical vs horizontal Night 4

↕VerticalAbove and below. Praise, scold, judge, control.
↔HorizontalEqual but different. Thank, encourage, help.
1The ruleOne vertical bond makes you see all bonds as vertical.

3 ideas the book throws out

  • "Praise motivates people." It trains them to need judging.
  • "I'm shy, not selfish." Constant self-focus is self-centred.
  • "Worth means achieving." Being alive is already worth.

When the group is wrong

  • Listen to a bigger community.
  • Your profession, society, people as a whole.

If saying no breaks a bond, it was never a real bond.

All 10 chapters of Night 4 tap any

  1. 01Individual psychology and holism
  2. 02The goal of interpersonal relationships is a feeling of community
  3. 03Why am I only interested in myself?
  4. 04You are not the centre of the world
  5. 05Listen to the voice of a larger community
  6. 06Do not rebuke or praise
  7. 07The encouragement approach
  8. 08How to feel you have value
  9. 09Exist in the present
  10. 10People cannot make proper use of self

Monday morning: situation → Adler move

Your child helps clear the tableLesson 4"Thank you, that helped me." Not "good boy"
You walk into a meeting worried how you'll lookLesson 2Ask what you can add, not how you'll be seen
Your boss asks you to bend a rule for a clientLesson 1Think of the bigger community. Say no politely
An elderly parent feels uselessLesson 5Tell them they matter for being here, not for doing

Want the full story?

Page 2 has Adler's "individual", community feeling, the self-centred approval-seeker, why praise is a judgement, encouragement, worth by existing, and the bigger community, plus key words, a 7-day practice and FAQ.

Read the full story →