● Book notes · Night 3 · 17 Oct 2026

Discard other people's tasks.

The third night of The Courage to Be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga. Why chasing approval traps you, how to tell whose task it is, and why being disliked is the price of freedom. Alfred Adler's answer, on one page.

The task testWho ends up with the result of this choice?
Lesson 1 · Approval

Stop seeking recognition

The young man says everyone wants to be recognised. Adler says don't chase it. Wanting praise comes from reward and punishment. It makes you act only when someone is watching.

→ Do it because it's right
Lesson 2 · Your life

You are not here to meet their hopes

Live to satisfy others and you live their life, not yours. They are not here to meet your hopes either. If you don't live your life, nobody else will.

→ Choose your own path
Lesson 3 · The tool

Separate the tasks

Ask who lives with the result. A child's homework is the child's task. Offer help, but don't force it. You can bring a horse to water. Drinking is the horse's task.

→ Mine or theirs?
Lesson 4 · The knot

Cut the knot

Most relationship trouble comes from stepping into someone else's task, or letting them into yours. Separating tasks cuts the knot, like Alexander with his sword.

→ Don't intrude, don't let them intrude
Lesson 5 · Freedom

Freedom is being disliked

You can't live free and be liked by everyone. Some people will dislike you. That is proof you live by your own rules, not the price of a mistake.

→ Accept the cost

The three-step task test In practice

1AskWho lives with the result of this choice?
2If mineDo it fully. Own it. Don't hand it off.
3If theirsOffer help. Stay available. Never force.

3 ideas the book throws out

  • "I need to be liked." What they think is their task.
  • "I'm doing it for their own good." Forcing a task is control.
  • "Separating tasks is selfish." Living for approval is the self-centred one.

You hold the card

  • You can change how you treat someone.
  • Whether they change is their task.

The philosopher made peace with his difficult father this way.

All 9 chapters of Night 3 tap any

  1. 01Deny the desire for recognition
  2. 02Do not live to satisfy the expectations of others
  3. 03How to separate tasks
  4. 04Discard other people's tasks
  5. 05How to rid yourself of interpersonal relationship problems
  6. 06Cut the Gordian knot
  7. 07Desire for recognition makes you unfree
  8. 08What real freedom is
  9. 09You hold the cards to interpersonal relationships

Monday morning: situation → Adler move

Your parents disapprove of your careerLesson 2Their feelings are their task. Your path is yours
Your teenager won't studyLesson 3Say you're there to help. Don't take over
A client might not like your honest adviceLesson 5Give it anyway. Their reaction is their task
You're waiting for your boss to praise your workLesson 1Do it well because it matters, not for the pat on the back

Want the full story?

Page 2 has the argument over recognition, the homework example, the young man's parents, the Gordian knot, the philosopher's father and freedom, plus key words, a 7-day practice and FAQ.

Read the full story →